The Cave of Abandoned Stories
by gythia
Summary: Legolas and Gimli stumble on a mysterious cave. Crossover with Norse Mythology.


The Cave of Abandoned Stories

Gimli brushed aside some fallen yellow leaves and examined the granite outcropping. "There might be caves hereaboutst. Let us look for them."

"Caves. Lovely," replied Legolas. He was evolving a comment on how he had already followed Gimli into one cave too many when the dwarf headed him off.

"You are the one who said it might rain today."

"It's not raining now."

"Perhaps it will be by the time I find them."

"Listen, Gimli, can you hear that? Someone is speaking."

Gimli paused. "I hear nothing. What are they saying?"

"It is muffled. But definitely a voice. Up there, in those rocks."

"Perhaps it is coming from a cave."

"You and your caves. Let us approach, but quietly. We do not know if they are friends or foes." Legolas slid down from Arod to stand beside his friend. Whispering to the horse to stay put, the elf strung his bow. He said softly, "Have a hand to thine axe, my friend."

They snuck up the hillside like hunters, and presently came to a cave. Despite their caution, they were spotted immediately by a woman in odd gear, carrying a regular platter with paper attached to it.

"Ah, Legolas and Gimli, again. Where have you been left off?"

The elf and dwarf exchanged a look of puzzlement. "You recognize us, lady," said Legolas, uncrouching from behind the rock, but keeping an arrow notched to the string. "But we know not of what you speak. Who are you, and whom do you serve?"

"Oh, I see. Forgive me, you are not abandoned. You should not be here. You would know me if you belonged within. Run along now."

"But who are you, milady?" Gimli persisted.

"I am Saga. I am supposed to have my own hall in God-Earth, but there are just so many abandoned fanfics to deal with, I've had to borrow this cave for the overstock. Thank goodness for that girl who figured out how to free poor Loki long ago, or I wouldn't have a cave to put them in." 

"Who is that?" asked Legolas, lowering his bow. "And what is a fanfic?"

"Oh-- never mind about Loki. He belongs to the Primary World. As do I, really, but I've lent myself to this sub-creation for now, since it was being overrun." 

Just then a gaggle of supermodels appeared, carrying a teenage girl tied to a pole.

"Ah, here they come." Saga ticked a box on her clipboard. "This is who I was expecting. I figured, I have all these Mary-Sues running around, I might as well make use of them. Odin and Freya send out the Valkyries, why shouldn't I send out the Mary-Sues to pick my chosen ones? Here we go, girls, put her in with the others."

A matching pair of Frodos, flushed and swaying with fever, stumbled behind the women into the cave. From inside, Legolas and Gimli heard Elrond's voice intoning, "Here you will dwell, under the dripping snake, bound to your plot, until the patience of your readers is utterly spent. Or until such time as you supply your fanfic with an adequate resolution. It does not need to be a happy ending. But it must be an ending."

Legolas tried to look inside, but Saga held out her hand and blocked him. Gimli peeked around her trousered legs and beheld a nightmare: thousands of people, mostly women but all of the race of Men, all in foreign garb, bound to rocks. Milling around them were many copies of the Fellowship and their friends and enemies. Many of the Fellowship clones looked like they ought to be dead, with swords and spears sticking out of them, and some were quite naked.

Nigh to the cave entrance, a mixed group of elves and orcs were playing dice together in seeming cameraderie. Just beyond them, a Merry clone with some vile black liquid leaking from his mouth and all down his shirt spoke to one of the bound authors. "Orc making draft. What were you thinking, leaving me like that? Yes, yes, I know, the rescuers found me and the Mouth is dead, but couldn't you have gotten me home and cleaned up at least? Cured would be nice, too. This stuff tastes vile."

Saga grabbed Gimli by the beard and towed him around from the cave entrance. "Now now, we can't have you in here, someone up in the Primary World is typing your fanfic on her blog as we speak. Don't ask me what that means, please. Just go away, forget you ever saw this place. I borrowed the cave from Loki and Sigyn, but I had to borrow the old-enemies-dine-together thing from Odin, from Valhalla, or I'd never have any peace in here. It's not just the scads of orcs and elves, though they're bad enough. When Gandalf and Saruman go at it, it's not pretty! Though, come to think of it, that applies even more to the slash than the fights." 

"The what?" Legolas asked.

"Never mind, never mind, get out of here," Saga said as she shoo'ed the pair down the hillside. "You were never here. Flippety fibbery foo! You haven't seen any cave today, and I wasn't here."

An explosion of light and sound dazzled Legolas and Gimli for a second. They were back with the horse, and Legolas could have sworn he had heard someone talking, but there was nothing now.

"Lightning!" Gimli exclaimed. "It is going to rain!"

"Yes. No time to hunt for a cave now, let us take shelter beneath that overhanging tree."

"Some shelter. A tree! I would swear I've already seen a cave around here."

"And I would swear I was just talking to someone intelligent."

"Oh ho, so it's back to that, is it?" Gimli's eyes glinted. "And what shall be the prize of our insult game today?"

Legolas had meant no such thing, but he rose to the bait. "If I win, we don't look for any caves around here."

"Done. And if I win, we not only look for them, we spend the night."

"Agreed."

They led their horse to the shelter of the tree.

Looking on invisibly, Saga sighed. She hoped Legolas would win. She did not want to have to erase their memories again. Well, if they came around again, perhaps she would free the troll so the two of them would get distracted. Or, even better, one of the Mary-Sues. Or, more to the point, two of them. Yes, that would do nicely. Saga trudged back up to the Cave of Abandoned Stories. "So many fanfics. So little room."

But when she reached the cave, she saw the sight that made all her efforts worthwhile. One of the women, writhing under the dripping snake venom, was starting to fade away. She was heading back to the Prime World. This was what it was all about: giving them an incentive to think up an ending for their stories.

As Saga watched contentedly, some of the orcs and elves started to gather toward the fading woman, and some Haradrim, and an Aragorn and a Legolas hand in hand. All the woman's characters circled around her, and turned to mist, and poured into her fading ears, and into her brain.

Up in the Prime World, a fanfic author woke up with the end of her story complete in her head. She moved the cat, turned on the computer, and sat down. She was free of the Cave of Abandoned Stories. And so were the characters she had borrowed from Tolkien.


End file.
